Today, as I was sitting at Vespers, a quiet time to think about God and focus on scriptures, I was unexpectedly compelled to start a blog. I just became strongly aware of how I have things I wanted to say, but never knew how to get it across in ways other people would understand, and then a blog just popped into my mind. Blogging is a way for me to get things out that spoken word can't articulate. So here I am, sharing my story with people who may know me or may not. Sharing it maybe even with no one at all, but I don't care because it's not what i created it for. It's for my spiritual growth, my emotional release. And perhaps someone else will come by my blog and get a little something out of it as well.
Recently i've been reading a novel by John Green called Looking for Alaska. At first I was wondering what this man was thinking when he was writing this novel, and then I got to the part that the book was leading up to around the middle of the story called simply 'after.' It struck me right in the gut and I forced myself to put the book away and go to sleep before realization could really sink in. One of the characters dies, and it struck me too close to home.
My Junior year of high school I was friends with this boy named Davin. He was a very intellectual guy and I loved making conversation with him. But as time went by I learned things he did, like drink at parties, and he did drugs. It was so distressing, but it was his life, he was 18, I couldn't tell him what to do.
As the year slowly went by I ran into several hardships, and Davin had gotten back together with his ex girlfriend, who he was really fond of. Inevitably we grew apart, and eventually we never talked, he deleted his Facebook, and changed jobs to work at his girlfriend's fathers company. I was okay with this, because I had shut down from other issues that had arrived anyway.
It's been two years, I am now a freshman in college, but earlier this year in September Davin just disappeared, not just from my life, but from Earth completely. In Looking for Alaska they can't figure out whether their friend's death was a suicide or an accident so far from what I have read, but Davin's death was most definitely a suicide, and I was so broken when I found out. I had so many question that will forever be unanswered, and lately I can't get past it. It's been hard, feeling like i'm reliving his death all over again. Infinite layers. There are too many layers between us, and we never had a proper goodbye. My stomach turns. It's like the feeling you get when you're about to jump off the tallest diving board at the pool, the anxiety just thrives in your stomach until you jump. But for me there is no jump. There is only a tomorrow full of who knows what.
But I know i'll be okay. I don't dwell on the topic long, because it doesn't help me do what God has in store for me. I'll never know if Davin went to Heaven or not, because his mother bible thumped him until he could take no more, and then she left a scar on his face that people teased him about relentlessly. This caused him to become angry with God and turn from him when. But its over for him now, and I have to keep living for God. I have to find it within myself to let Him be in control. My anxiety will one day calm down. And it helps to know I have friends who love me, friends I can always talk to, and a God who always listens when a quite girl just needs a release.
